Power Child

The struggles with Tiberias

Tiberias wants to be the boss of himself. He has the hardest time obeying his mother (me).
He thinks he should be given everything he wants at any time. This is not due to being spoiled...this is just how he thinks and feels.

He is three years old. Although not all three year olds are this way, he being a power child (one who seeks to hold the power), and being that age makes him a very difficult child.

I have been adapting as a parent and learning a lot these last few months. Without Sterling to govern and discipline Tiberias I have really tried different parenting/disciplining types.

At the beginning of the Summer I would spank Tiberias often because he disobeyed most of the time. I learned first that spanking him was not helping but only making him angry. Anger. That's what was developing in him and when his dad left for military training for three months Tiberias held on to anger.

I decided not to spank him any more. I tried different disciplining styles: 1. taking away a privilege he enjoys, if he disobeys. That did not work at all...he simply seemed to not care.
2. Telling him it makes me sad when he doesn't listen to mommy.
3. Telling him that I am the boss and he needs to do as I tell him. Then doing what it takes to force him to obey. That does not work on a power child!!!
4. Time out.
Then I decided that spanking once in a while might be the best option. So if he disobeys or ignores me I tell him he will get a spanking if he does not listen. Then if he persists I do spank him. Giving him that warning each time does help...instead of immediately going to spank him. It has reduced spankings a ton! But I find I am getting worn down faster than Ty. I am tired, being in my third trimester of pregnancy and being a keep busy person. So I find myself having a hard time sticking to disciplining him because he fights me all the time.

I do not spank as hard as Sterling does and I have found recently that I don't have to. It's the principle of the thing...not how hard it hurts. Thank goodness.

I have been learning about the Five Love Languages. The class at church I attend teaches not to spank your kids and that a child who has a language of "touch" should not be spanked most of all. Tiberias is a touch child. He loves physical closeness and affection...receiving and giving. But he is also a power child and I have learned that the only thing that remotely works in disciplining him is spankings now and then. 

The class teaches to change yourself and your parenting. It teaches to learn your child's love language and make sure you're child is getting what they need.
I am reading the book on Five Love Languages for Children. My goal has been to figure out Tiberias and how I can best parent him. Through this book I learned that each child has an emotional tank to be filled. Once that child has been given all the emotional love he needs he is happier and more willing to cooperate. Just as a child who is sleepy won't be easy until they get what they need.

Am I giving Tiberias all that he needs so he will behave better? Is he physically taken care of; fed, rested, healthy, etc? Yes. Is he given all five love languages from mom? Touch, service, gifts, time and words of Affirmation? Yes. I spend time with the boys teaching them school, which they do not enjoy but I am spending time with them. I come up with fun things for them to do like crafts, cooking together and fun games. I read to them. I teach them to work to earn money and go buy a new toy...or I give them fifty cents for the toy/candy machines at the store...or I take them to the library and McDonald's.
I tell them I love them and tell them things I love about them. I hold them, hug them, kiss them. It's funny because Luke use to be less into the physical affection. If he got hurt and I'd pull him close or put him on my lap he would soon stop crying and try to get away. But in the last few months he is becoming such a touch person! He wants to be hugged and held. Watching tv or at church in Sacrament meeting he wants to lean on me, touch my hand, have my arm around him, etc.

The problem with trying to fill Ty's tank is that the time I spend with him is not enough. If I spent all day with him then he would think it was enough. But I can't do that.

The book does point out that spending time with your child when you could be doing something that is on your "to do list" is saying to the child "you are more important than my list." And I do spend less time with the boys now, living with family and having Sterling gone. I let other family members give the boys quality time and I need more "me" time. Plus, being pregnant and not having Sterling's help and Ty being so difficult...I start to lose my mind if I don't get stuff done for me or have occasional time away from the boys.

One thing Ty and I have fought over a lot is when he uses the toilet. When the boys are about to hop into bed for the night Ty has refused to go potty. And in the middle of the night when I carry him to the bathroom to pee he throws a fit on the floor instead of standing to pee. This seemed important to me ...something that he should listen for. Something I should not budge on or give into because peeing the bed is bad.
But then I read online an article on how to deal with power seeking children. It suggested avoiding battles. Reducing his chance to disobey. Giving him an option with consequences instead of demanding he do it. If it's not something that will physically harm him, like walking into an area of broken glass while barefoot, then don't give him the opportunity to fight.
So I started doing that. "Tiberias, please use to potty before bed" and he refuses so I say "Alright, you don't have to go potty but that means you have to wear the pee alarm to sleep." So far it's working and he has not peed the bed!

I am halfway through the Love Languages book. It seems to be saying that age five is when you can start seeing a child's love language. But Ty is definitely touch more than anything. He does like to tell me he loves me and hear it too. Whereas Luke enjoys hearing he is loved and hearing praise but he doesn't usually give it back. Luke's primary love language seems to be Time.

I was hoping to figure Tiberias out and have an epiphany on how to raise him and get him to behave better. Today, however, I realize that maybe I cannot change Tiberias. Maybe I just need to learn about him and accept it. Just understanding and knowing I can't change him will help me cope more with these difficult times. I am not sure if it will be a difficult few years or if it will continue until he is grown.

Tereasa, my brother's wife, related to me that both of her two oldest Justin and Autumn were difficult power children. She learned about the love languages and tried different things to get her children to behave better and respect their mother. But only time could change their ways. Autumn is a difficult person and might be for the rest of her life. But Justin has overcome that part of himself. He is a wonderful young man about to head out on his mission.

My mother told me that Eliza was her most difficult child. She was violent. A biter is what mom recalls but I recall her scratches even more. She outgrew that by age 11 I think and became a calm person.

Tiberias was full of anger the first couple months after Sterling left. But lately he's been better. Maybe it's because I've been so focused on helping him get what he needs to be happy and changing myself to better be his parent.

In five days we start our three day journey to be reunited with Sterling. It's so very exciting!!
Hopefully it will be so much easier to fulfill our children's needs and happiness once their family is all together again and in a home of our own while establishing a routine.

Is it mean to record the things that Tiberias is doing that make my life difficult? One day when Ty is grown up I will say to him "You were such a difficult 3 year old!" And when he asks me for specifics I might not remember. This way I can refer back to what these times were like and what I did to try and make them better.